The current president of ACMA is Homer the Cherry Hound. Born in the New Forest, Homer lives in Harwell, Oxfordshire and supports Bournemouth and Didcot Town. His interests include walking, eating and sleeping. He is proud of his recent weight reduction.
Train as a dog reporter
ACMA offers a comprehensive training programme devised by canine behavioural psychologists. Most of the programme can be taken in the comfort of your own kennel
DB, a Spurs fan from the Peak District, has sent an E mail asking whether Jewish dogs can be members. ACMA has a firm policy of no discrimination on any grounds whatsoever (although Pit Bulls and their owners may be subject to a special screening procedure).
Association of Canine Match Analysts
Much Barking, Woofery DG01 1CA
Introducing The Association of Canine Match Analysts
In Dog We Trust
The Association of Canine Match Analysts (ACMA) was founded by pioneer dog reporter Bob the Dog who believed that the standard of football reporting was often so poor that the average Heinz 57 dog could do a better job. Dog reporters initially encountered some hostility from human journos who felt that their turf was being invaded, but the idea has gradually become accepted as part of the modern game. Bob the Dog was himself vindicated when he was quoted in the Independent on Sunday after he had given the coveted Silver Bone to former player Shaun Newton who was a spectator in the crowd after a poor performance by the Addicks at Villa. A key target for the Association is to have canine commentators assisting at live Sky games and also acting as summarisers on terrestial channels.
ACMA works closely with the association for feline Hiss of the Match analysts, MIAOW (Mad Indignant Animals Off Wailing).
Benefits of membership
All canine commentators are urged to enrol in ACMA which seeks to promote and maintain professional standards among dog reporters and to bark vigorously at any human critics. Benefits of membership include:
- Free insurance and legal advice should you bite a match official or human journo
- Discounted supplies of high energy dog feed to chew at matches, including canine chewing gum (as recommended by Peter Reid)
- Made to measure special high visibility coat bearing your name and the legend 'official dog reporter' supplied by our sponsors Kingdom Signs of Didcot. Kingdom Signs
Code of Conduct
We are barking, we are barking, dog reporters coming in
Officers of ACMA discuss association business
ACMA works to promote the highest possible professional standards among dog reporters and all new members are asked to provide a paw print on a copy of the following code. The code is enforced by an independent disciplinary panel chaired by a chimpanzee and with the members drawn from a panel of various species of animals (the current members are a kangaroo and a donkey. ACMA emphatically repudiates press reports that this is a 'kangaroo court' and that the donkey is there as a representative of the Professional Footballers Association).
- Members should on no account lift their leg in the press box or the media conference room. Unfortunately clubs have been slow to provide dog toilets, but members are asked to go outside the ground if necessary. In any event, members should be accompanied to the ground by their human walkers who should bring with them a shovel and a supply of plastic bags.
- Members should not bite fellow journos, club officials or match officials. It is permissible to bare your teeth and growl at any obnoxious human journo. This usually has the desired result.
- Members must never invade the pitch.
- Members must treat any Hiss of the Match analyst sent by MIAOW respectfully. Under no circumstances should they chase the feline representative.
- Members should refrain from excessive barking during the match or at the press conference. A few woofs when a goal is scored are permissible.
- Members should not display the colours of any team, only the ACMA tabard.
- Members may not bring bones to the match or chew them during the game. ACMA recommends its officially approved canine chewing gum.
- Members should not slurp noisily from their water bowl.
- Members should not lick or nuzzle any human journos or club officials or sniff them excessively.
- Members should take care not to sniff the methane breathing appartus used by some match officials who come from other planets. Any dog found under the influence of methane will be banned immediately. This applies to any other form of substance abuse, including purloining Catnip from the MIAOW representative.
Latest News - Hooch the Pooch mounts appeal
Hooch the Pooch did not allow news of his ban to spoil his festive fun
Leamington based match analyst Hooch the Pooch has launched an appeal against his three match suspension following protests against what was seen as his excessive criticism of Charlton midfielder Graham Stuart in his report of Charlton v. Newcastle. Hooch is reported as saying, 'It's a dog's life. But my canine rights have been infringed. I am too big a dog to be banned.'
Suki the Siamese warns Hooch
Suki the Old Coulsdon Siamese (she's mean, she's brown, she's been to every ground, favourite all time Charlton player The Vinh Nguyen) is spitting furballs at the arrogance of Hooch the Pooch. 'Does he think he is bigger than the game itself', she hissed. 'I would confine him to his kennel for at least two years', she continued, warning the errant hound that an appeal could see his current three match ban increased.
ACMA has set up an appeal panel chaired by Skippy the Kangaroo. Other members are a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama. ACMA admitted, 'We are having problems assembling the panel. The kangaroo keeps hopping about everywhere. We can't find a meeting room tall enough to accommodate the giraffe. The ostrich keeps sticking his head in the sand and the llama is notoriously bad tempered.'
MIAOW commented, 'Talk about dogs returning to their vomit. This is a typical dog mess. The whole case should be handed over to cats to ajudicate. They are far more intelligent animals.'
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